Open letter to NHL players

Dear most excellent hockey player,

In the event you are desperate to get on the ice and don't know where to turn, please consider being placed on the sublist for the Arrowhawks. Ordinarily we wouldn't accept NHL players because you'd make us all feel inferior with your fancy skills and expensive cars, but we're willing to make an exception so we can defeat CS Bank.

You see, the Bankers finally added a couple young chaps fresh out of high school. They're young, skate fast and handle the puck much better then we do, damaging our egos. Rumor has it they played on team Columbus and won many games. In the two games played against CS, we lost by a combined score of 9-5. Even our best defenseman from Minnesota couldn't neutralize their skill. You can sense our desperation.

YOU:
• Desperately miss playing hockey, your teammates and your paycheck
• Long for camaraderie, bench banter and hot goal scoring opportunities against the area's top C beer league goalies
• Like challenges. For example, we sometimes fall over when a) accepting a pass, b) making a pass, c) attempting a slap-shot. You'll need to adjust your game accordingly.

US:
• Well educated, mostly professional types (as long as Barry isn't playing)
• Only one of us wears purple Euro-underwear (hint, he's from the Ukraine)
• Measured expectations. No practices. Multi-lingual. No coach to bark orders
• 5-time CAHL Friday night champs. Currently in first place in the standings. Above average sweaters.
• Been known to celebrate victories with pops and full control of bar jukebox
• Not located in Switzerland, Sweden, Russia, Alaska or any location other than the local Chillers, which require very little gas

We may be able to afford a small payment for your services. We'll pass a hat through the room and have an offering in your honor. No guarantee Oleg's jock won't land in the hopper, however.

PRE-THANKSGIVING SPECIAL -- If you act now, we'll have a member of our organization play music from your homeland over the Chiller PA system during breaks in play!!! (offer good through Nov. 23. Strict No Michael Bolton Policy)
Thank you in advance for your consideration. We'd prefer you'd be playing on the big ice against the best in the world, but understand you may seek challenging alternatives like stopping Anthony Rogers from CS Bank.

POST-THANKSGIVING SPECIAL -- Stopping Anthony Rogers will net you a free "I STOPPED ANTHONY ROGERS DURING THE 2012-2013 NHL LOCKOUT" tee shirt, a $24.99 value. 

In the event you wish to skate, please show up at the front desk and sign in with your favorite movie name. Please only use lead characters. No supporting actor sidekick-types, like Goose, Robin or Tonto. After all, you'll be the alpha on the ice and need a solid, take-charge name, like Judge Dread. If the attendant asks for your I.D. DON'T SHOW YOUR REAL LICENSE as they'll probably know you are a professional hockey player. I suggest confusing them with a loud sneeze, spraying spit everywhere. It works every time. When you get to the locker room, we'll have a sweater for you.

Sincerely,
The Arrowhawks