Hawks down champs in rare blowout

Dublin, OH- The Arrowhawks entered Friday nights contest with the Eskimos as a 2 goal underdog (Vegas Odds) based on the fact that the Eskimos haven't lost to the Hawks since June '10. The contest began as scripted with the Mo's dominating early and often. "We couldn't get the puck out of our zone to save our lives" said team captain Mark Monahan who was making his season debut. The Hawks pretty much ran around aimlessly until Kevin Griffith and Chris Carpenter broke in 2 on 1 with :45 seconds to go in the first. Griffith moved left and drew the D-man and slipped a pass back to his right to Carpenter. Carpenter avoided the Oh S**t factor and drilled a shot high over goalie Jonathan Edwards to give the Hawks a 1-0 lead after the 1st.

The second period was the direct opposite of the 1st with the Hawks dominating the play and adding 2 more goals from Mark Monahan and Griffith, both were set up by Chris Carpenter and Nick Lanctot. I know...Carpenter? 3 points? It's not a typo...the dude played his nuts off.

It was clear that the Eskimos were done screwing around because they came out on fire to start the 3rd period. Tom Curren took the game into his own hands and scored with 10:05 left and again on the power play with 8:20 left to make it a 3-2 game. "Oh s**t, here we go again" Barry Snow bellowed from the bench. Fortunately for the Arrowhawk fan (not fans) in attendance the bleeding stopped there. Tom Morgan scored a pair of goals and Mac Lawless found the back of the net to round out the scoring and the Hawks cruised to a 6-2 victory.

Team Notes:
• Kevin Griffith (3G-5A) is the league leader in points
• Kevin Griffith & Tom Morgan (3G) are tied for 2nd in the league for goals scored
• Kevin Griffith (5A) and Nick Lanctot (3A) are 1st and 2nd respectively in assists

5 Questions with Carp's wife

Continuing our 5 questions series is Kim Carpenter, Carp's lovely wife. Those of you close to the Hawks know that Chris pays his league dues every session with a Hello Kitty check. With that, Kim's answers.

Q: Does Chris publicly acknowledge his love for Hello Kitty?
A: I knew things were going to be different when at our wedding, Chris wanted us to dress as Hello Kitty characters. Since I love him, I had to go along with it. He wins contests at the various Hello kitty festivals across the country - he tells eveyrone that he's running a marathon, but no, we're walking aournd with people dressed as cats. Our closets are stuffed with Hello Kitty merchandise and it's completely taken over the house. I've been eBaying some of the rarer items and am making great money. Wait - don't tell Chris as I'm saving for a new car!

Q: Consider your husband’s hockey skills for a moment. Is it worth the stench of the equipment?
A: There's no room to store hockey equipment in our house with all the damn Hello Kitty crap laying around! If for some reason it does make it's way into an area in which it can be smelled, I throw it away.

Q: How often do you help your husband in cleaning his gear, folding his jersey, tucking him in bed at night?
A: The laundry fairy takes care of cleaning and folding the jersey. It happens magically. What the heck is with the extra sleeve things though?

Q: If 4 Eskimos were on a bus and the bus was traveling 25 miles per hour, how many minutes would it take to travel 10 miles? Note: Mac Lawless is the bus driver.
A: EFF Mac Lawless and the Eskimos!

Q: What is your impression of Arrohwawk hockey?
A: Well, I haven't been to a game this session since most games are past my bedtime! From what I hear, the team seems to be a bit off - goalies not showing up and suddenly speaking Portugese, Chris wearing his jersey correctly, the captain skipping out 'cause his foot hurts, you're switching to new jerseys with Hello Kitty as the mascot, etc. I mean come on, suck it up! You don't see Mac Lawless complaining about anything do you?

Junior B's struggling in D west

SOMEPLACE IN CENTRAL OHIO - Long time Arrowhawk fans know all about the early struggles of the team. Back in the day, before the Hawks impressive 4 championships, the Arrowhawks were the whipping boy for the rest of the league (If the Eskimos are reading this, "NO we are not your whipping boys now"). Losing 9 games a session seemed to be the norm.

"At least we looked good," said Chris 'I sometimes wear my sweater the correct way" Carpenter. A nine year veteran, Carp has been with the team through thick and thin. "I remember the early ski-club transplants. Henri Foucher was always my favorite. That man can really hold his own. Not sure if he can ski, though."

The Hawks added and subtracted many players over the years. Dave Cameron, Bruce Markey, Neal 'Rocket' Richard, Steve Gross, Mark Jones, Jim 'Clifford' Kuhn, Flute, Art 'Jesus' Fisher, Steve Mikes. Many one-time favorites have gone on to play Sunday night D league, as the Junior B Arrowhawks. They've done well most sessions, finishing in the middle of the pack and advancing to the playoffs. But not this session.

"I was hoping to give you some good news to report from the Junior B team but well, we really suck right now," said Dave Mustafaga "We are 1-7 and it ain’t pretty. We put out a call to the Hanson brothers but have not had much luck getting a return call. Last week one of our forwards had a Charlie Sheen moment and just left the ice, stormed out of the rink dragging his hockey bag and slammed his jock on the sidewalk in front of the Chiller, and kept yelling he wanted $3 per session, doubling his salary. Could be evidence of potential brain damage you can only take your head to the pipes so many times. No one will pick up the jock so the Dublin Chiller has roped off the area."

Arrowhawk management had the following response: "We are aware of the plight of the Junior B club and are working with local officials on improving morale. Billy Miller is in his office right now talking to someone with a really loud voice and slamming his fist on the desk repeatedly. We even heard the words 'Send a bus of Canadians and we'll sort em' out'. We have no official comment at this time, besides 'we support our D league brothers and believe in their abilities.'"

The B's have only scored 7 goals in 8 games and are 1 point from the Sunday D west basement.

"Red rover, red rover, send Oleg right over," said a fan from the stands.

Arrowhawks skate to 5-2 win

DUBLIN, OH - Let's start with the basics. The Arrowhawks entered tonight's contest against the new team in the division, Rirruto, tied for the league basement at 1-3. Both teams needed a win. The Hawks next two games are against league powerhouse Eskimos and Maple Leafs, so a win was a must. They didn't disappoint.

The Arrowhawks, wearing their new red sweaters and really tight socks, started fast with 3 quick goals in the first period. Kevin Griffith potted a rebound after controlling play deep in the offensive zone. Oleg Chetverikov, the Hawks favorite ever European player, helped set up the goal keeping the puck in the zone.

"Did you know Oleg has a sauna in his basement?" said LW Rick 'Blind Squirrel finds a nut' Titus. "220 degrees is a good temperature." he added. Oleg invited the entire team over for a cleansing session, but there were no takers.

"I've been in hot places before," said Mac Lawless, a frequent visitor of Mexico, Columbia and African hunting trips. "I use a long bow like that crazy long haired elf from the Lord of the Rings. But I usually hunt small game since it's easy to carry and won't interfere with my beer stash. I only sweat when I kill game and I like Oleg," he added.

Hawk fans should be proud of that decision.

A decision the fans wouldn't be proud of happened early in the third period. Rirruto had scored two goals, one even strength on a breakaway and one on a 2 man advantage. An Arrowhawk whispered ever so gently, "#37 isn't wearing shoulder pads." It was a classless move, one never before taken. The refs made the player leave the ice for his pads.

"Gutless, crap call on our part." said captain Mark Monahan. "I'm going to find out who did it and send him down to the minors like we did last week with our minor league callup Big 'Don't call me cup' Ryder. He's a hell of a guy and probably a good rugby player and golfer, but we had to send him down because he made me look small."

Ryder, 6'4" and 260 pounds is a former WWE wrestler. "He was overrated," said Kevin Griffith, a big WWE fan. "Good player and good guy, but he made fun of Mac being too skinny and looking like a tooth pick and we didnt like that."

Despite the gap of integrity, the stoppage in play seemed to work for the Hawks, Rirruto seemed rattled by the call and the momentum quickly turned back to the Arrowhawks favor.

"I didn't like it. We owe them an apology,"" said Nick 'Chara' Lanctot after the game. "Total bush. Not like the beer, but like those funny Australian's with bones in their noses."

The Hawks killed their penalties and seemed to get their legs back to close the game. Chris Carpenter notched his first goal on the session with a timely slap shot from the blue line. The puck deflected off a Rirruto defenseman and found twine.

"Carp's goal was huge. Even Nate was impressed. He seems to have a thing for pretty things. He's always talking about sunsets and iPads and stuff," said Mike Gauthier.

The Hawks prevailed 5-2 on a back and forth affair. Rirruto should do well in the division. #19, #1 and #37 are very good players.

"They are a good team," said LW Tom Morgan. "We had many chances but they did their thing, controlling rebounds and keeping us out of the slot."

Nate Mensel manned the right wing for Jason Torsok, who was a healthy scratch. "Jay is probably the most committed guy on the team, always watching tape. He fell asleep in the film room this week trying to prepare and spilled his milkshake all over the computer equipment. He tried to fix it, but the duct tape didn't work. So he wrote a note that he was sorry and baked a cake for the technology manager," said John Kenyon. "Then he drank all the beer in the team room and passed out. That was probably the worst of it."

Jason Jensen played well, like usual. Nick Lantot has a really heavy shot. "Ryder wouldn't even be able to lift it," Lawless chirped. Not to be outdone, Lawless blitzed a heavy shot of his own, adding the Hawks fifth goal.

In the end, it was a much needed win for the Hawks.

Hawks eke out a tough one, 1-0 over Discover

Traffic in the Arena District was heavier than usual on Friday, likely due to the the always-competitive match-up of the Hawks and orange-clad Discover. Approaching the Ice Haus, it was hard to ignore the legions of comely, mid-twenties ladies dressed in shorter-than-average skirts and precariously high heels. There also seemed to be an overabundance of slightly emasculated men holding hands with said ladies, or following packs of said ladies trying to chat them up. Oh wait, John Mayer was playing Nationwide Arena? That explains the hussies and the sissies.

On to the stuff that mattered in the Arena District that night, Hawks vs. Discover. What might have been most relevant was who was missing for both squads. Noticeably absent for Discover was leading goal-scorer, hockey ambassador, and genuinely nice guy Brian (Tool Helmet). Hawks center Mark Monahan was confused. "I wasn't sure where to line up most of the time with Tool Helmet out of the lineup. Thank goodness John Kenyon was there to point me in the right direction." The Hawks were without four of their regular forwards. Two Griffith brothers were missing as Kevin continues to nurse the hand he broke playing Nerfoop against the neighbor kids and Brian ran out of gas driving down 315. Second liners Tom Morgan (back home in NJ auditioning for the second season of Jersey Shore) and Jason Torsok (helping Tiger Woods get ready for his comeback) also decided they had more important things to do.

With new CAHL Commissioner Martin Spanhel in the building, both teams came out ready to go. Each side created chances and controlled pockets of play in the first period, but the goalies stood their ground. Same thing in the second. Any time one team got the momentum or started to take control, the other team created a turnover and an odd-man rush. Still, after two periods, the game was knotted at zero.

The first half of the third period looked just like periods one and two The Hawks' best chance came off a shot from Nick "Minnesota" Lanctot, which Monahan deflected right onto the stick of Chris "Don't call Me Karen" Carpenter. Carp fired it wide of an open net from just outside the crease. "I didn't want Discover to feel bad, so I shot it wide," said a slightly befuddled Carpenter. "As well as I was playing, I knew I'd get another chance." Two shifts after Carpenter's nicety, Hawks keeper Jason Jensen stopped Discover on a 3-on-1, then got to his feet and dumped the puck out his zone so his tired squad could get a change. Asked about Jensen's play, longtime Hawk Joe Factor said "Yep. Jason's good. Did you see any of those chicks headed to the concert? His music may be an F, but his fans are a solid A." Well said, Joe.

With just under four minutes to go in regulation, the Hawks picked up what would be their final power play of the game. Discover won the faceoff in their defensive zone, but Hawks D-man Nate Mensel intercepted the clearing attempt and hit Bryce Griffith at the top of the left faceoff circle. Bryce let loose with a blast that beat the Discover goalie right along the ice. Finally the Hawks had a lead.

Discover never got a good shot at the equalizer as the Hawks tightened up the defense and Jensen kept everything under control. Discover pulled their keeper with just under a minute remaining, and true to his word, Carp got another chance. "The breakout pass was right on my stick, so I carried it across the red line, wound up, and fell down. Did we need a second goal?" asked a slightly perplexed Carpenter. "I decided we didn't."

As the final buzzer sounded, newest Hawks fan John Mayer was seen scrambling to get back through the tunnel into Nationwide Arena. "I'm 45 minutes late going on because I've been watching the Hawks play. They're like my hockey napalm. I'd pay $10,000 to watch them play every Friday night. Now I'm gonna go play some of my adult contemporary hits to a bunch of weenies but I'd rather go have beers with the Hawks."

John, you're always welcome to have beers with the Hawks. Just make sure to bring some of your fans with you.

Pre-session practice notes

After last night’s grueling practice, I deduce the following:

• Torsok can take a right cross to the lid as well as anyone. My intentional high stick to remind him of how powerful I am on the ice didn’t do a thing. That dude is strong on his skates.
• It doesn’t matter what color Nate is wearing, he’s skilled with the puck. If we had a Kristian Huselius on our team, he’d be it. Without the fancy car or big salary, of course. (no offense to your car, Nate, I’m sure it’s a beauty)
• Speaking of fast skating, I’m damn glad Minnesota was on my team during the scrimmage. If I had to chase him, I’d have puked up both lungs. Nick, if you are considering playing defense, god help the other teams. You and Nate back there would be awesome dangling potential.
• Monahan skates all fancy and is a pain in the ass to defend. If I only knew how to hip-check I’d have blasted his ass at least 5 times. I had him lined up all night. He and Morgan were my bitches.
• Nice interference along the boards Morgan. I know, it was the only way you could neutralize my blazing speed.
• Carp put his jersey on correctly.
• Tron was out there. He didn’t say much but maybe cuz’ he’s so damn tall and the sound waves went right over my short ass.
• Joe Factor didn’t look nearly as old as he says he is. I kept sending Joe over the boards because I was so damn tired and thought I was going to have a heart attack on the bench. Good thing he’s got young chicken legs.
• Kenyon wore a white #33 jersey and rang a couple off the post. John’s a good looking kid. It looked like he combed his hair before practice.
• Mac is tall and likes to join the rush. He’s like a missile out there, though a bit wayward. He left me hanging out there more times than I can count. I was like Chris Russell of the Jackets, having to dive to break up odd man rushes all night. Good thing I’m so good, Mac.
• Someone grabbed my pants while on the ice last night. I didn’t see who did it, but whoever you are you are a bastard. It’s hard enough skating without the drag.
• I sucked it up and missed a wide-open rebound in front. The goalie made a stellar save — probably the best of the night — but I still have to finish. Morgan would have finished.
• Hannah is a great skater. She’s like a cool breeze on a humid day, refreshing. I think she might be able to kick Andrew’s ass, though. I heard Tom yelling at her at one point. He said something about her nutsack or something.
• Speaking of Andrew, that cat’s got a quick glove.
• Jensen skated out. He’s reckless and has a powerful stride. Watch out when he shoots though. If you’re anywhere near the back of the net you’ll get drilled in the side of the head (he’s a wild shooter!)

In conclusion... Good practice. I’m awesome. You guys all suck.

Columbus Marathon, Hawk Style

Team captain Mark Monahan will be running in the Columbus Marathon Sunday. So will defenseman and utility forward Chris 'Every now and then I like to wear my jersey backwards to mix things up' Carpenter. Early odds have Monahan defeating Carpenter in the race, but nobody knows for sure who's in better shape. If you want to follow either Hawk in their run, you can do so via automated Twitter feed.

Mark's feed is: monahanruns

How original. I'd image then that Carps is... Carpenterruns

I'm a genius. And I've never even been to Twitter genius school. Damn, I'm smart.

Both players missed Friday's game, electing to run for hours on the treadmill to prepare for the race. Wish them luck -- they'll both be back on the ice next week.

5 Questions - Chris Carpenter #5

1. What was your lamest Christmas present? 

I think I have a tie for two on this one, either a scarf or a male enhancement device that my ex-girlfriend got me.

2. If you could be anything other than a championship defenseman for the league’s best hockey team, what would you be? 

(Note: cannot say professional chef. That’s gay.) I would say part time pro golfer part time P0rn star. Non G@y of course. Either would get old if you were doing it full time

3. If you and Mac Lawless were getting ready to get into a bar fight and 3 hot chicks walked by (and you weren’t happily married) would you: a) protect Mac at all costs or b) say “you got this, Mac” and escort the gals to the next party? 

If it was only 2 this would be easy, since I’ve been there done that, but since it’s 3 , sorry Mac you’re on your own.

4. Have you ever emerged from the locker room with your jersey on backwards only to have the ref and your entire team say, “Carp, what the hell are you doing?” 

Surprisingly, yes it has. Almost happened a second time but caught it right before the game when I was fixing my hair in the mirror.

5. What advice do you have for the young Arrowhawks out there, hoping to get their shot some day with the big club?

With the Big teams roster and talent growing as fast as it is I might be playing with them in the near future.

Eskimos freeze Hawks, win first championship

Hawks captain Mark Monahan's expression says it all on a night not meant to be in a 5-1 loss.

DUBLIN, OH - Fifteen weeks later the Hawks ended their session losing convincingly 5-1 to an energetic Eskimo squad. It was close early but the game was never in doubt. The Eskimos took care of business in both ends tonight, thwarting every chance by an undermatched Arrowhawk team.

"They were great tonight," said team captain Mark Monahan. "They did everything well tonight. Their defense smothered us offensively and defensively. Goaltending was great. We just didn't mount enough to make a difference," he added.

Special teams weren't much of an equation as the Eskimos handled the Hawks talented wingers in even strength. Nick Lanctot notched the Hawks only goal short-handed in the second period to make the score 3-1 Eskimos. After that, it was clear sailing for the yellow jerseys.

"Despite the loss tonight we had a great session," said left winger and leading point-getter in the playoffs Tom Morgan. "We're proud of where we ended up despite losing in the championship."

Mac Lawless, filling in for Freakin' Basso and Terry Walker, skater well but was minus three on the night.

"We didn't do our part clearing the puck in front tonight," admitted Lawless. "But we'll see them again in the fall," he said after the game.

John Kenyon played well in the losing effort. He skated well on both ends, breaking up several scoring chances.

"Jason didn't have much chance back there," Kenyon said dejectedly. "They brought the house every chance they had and we just didn't match their effort."

Andrew and Nick skated well, but not well enough. It was clear the Hawks would need to be perfect to win early in the game. The Eskimos have a talented team and proved it tonight.

"The victory was well deserved," said Chris Carpenter. "Our hats are off to them. They did well," he admitted.

Jason Jensen did his best working well from post to post. But the defense was slow to the puck, giving up many odd-man rushes on the night. "Normally we'd have several lines to roll defensively but we were a little short on the bench tonight," said Mike Gauthier. "We're disapointed but we'll be back in form this fall."

Tonight's loss was the fourth in Arrowhawk history, having appeared in nine of the last ten championship games.

"The Arrowhawks were gracious in defeat," said Eric Ott of the Eskimos. "They are a great team and we're proud to have finally won a meaningful game against them." he added.

What went wrong

There were chances tonight, that's for sure. But in the end the Eskimos brought enough grit along the boards and precision passing to get the job done. Barry Snow and the rest of the Hawks defense were guilty of too many offensive-minded chances to neutralize the steady Eskimo attack.

"We gave up too much in front and didn't do well getting back," said Snow.