Friday, September 19, 2014

Hawks harpoon Whalers 7-4

[editor's note: I am quite good at dangling with the puck, passing with precision and playing defense when everyone else on my line decides to leave the ice at the same time.]

EASTON SHOPPING MALL OWNED BY LES WEXNER, WHO'S MORE SKILLED AT RULING THE RETAIL WORLD THAN OUR TEAM IS AT BUYING A TEAM BUS -- The amazing United States of America hockey team they call the Arrowhawks soundly defeated the Whalers tonight, 7-4. Despite the final score, the game had drama --  like a passionate and good bottle of wine intoxicated wife who loves to cook you meals at odd hours just because she feels inclined to please, but loses her focus along the way leaving you with a colorful blend of confusion on a plate.


If that doesn't make sense, it's because I may have gotten drilled into the half boards (what the hell is a half board anyway? All the boards are the same height. I keep looking for some distinct visual reference that indicates "oh shit, I'm in the half board area" but I don't see one. And don't come at me with the yellow 'look up' zone stuff. There are already way too many colors on the ice. Ice is white, the opponents jersey is a different color than mine, there's a blue crease, blue lines, red lines, yellow trim... it's all way too much to process at the speed I skate. Which is really, really fast.)

Where was I?

Our defense was amazingly offensive tonight. I think I remember jumping out to a 4-0 lead, only to have the Whalers close the gap in dramatic fashion 4-2. I believe our D scored the first four goals. I may have been on the ice for the 2 goals against in the same shift, but that's no indication of my lack of hockey skill. As I stated earlier, I am quite good at dangling with the puck, passing with precision and playing defense when everyone else on my line decides to leave the ice at the same time.

The Whalers have some talented skaters, for sure (NHL players love those two words. Is it a cold weather thing? Do Icelanders use that phrase, "For sure...." I doubt it.)

Anyway, my favorite players on the night were: (good use of colon)

Ted Bulwinkle for finally shooting low enough on the ice to not hit any living thing above the size of a fat pig (or Rob) No Rob, I'm not comparing you to a fat pig.
Mac Lawless. For showing up.
• Our goalie, who was really, really good but only half as good as Jamie Santho because he's our usual goalie and I don't want him to lose confidence in his awesomeness.
Nick Lanctot for rallying our team when we gave up some goals when I wasn't on the ice -- leading to our potting two more goals and boosting the lead to 6-3 good guys. [I think]
Tom Morgan for putting together this random collection of awesome skill and sticking up for his net minder, despite the five-minute major penalty and having to play center, not his natural position. For the record, Tom is the leading point-man in Arrowhawk history, for those keeping track. That is not lost on me, even in my hazy state.

Speaking of states... Or countries, how about the UK, retaining Scotland? I mean, come on!

A defenseman named Ziska who's one of three Ziska's who filled in for our young stud Jay Jenkins who was absent due to being in college and having to attend a mandatory college function that may or may not have had beer pong involved. [my v button is malfunctioning. shit!]

• The goal scorers who I'm too lazy to look up, since they weren't me, which is unusual because I'm used to dictating the skill on the ice.

The win keeps the Hawks in a three-way tie for first place, with a perfect 3-0 record. Tom gets all the credit for his awesome lineups.

Ok, I'm done.

Damn 'V' button. Shit.

[random complaint: I'm not happy that the new leader in google search for Arrowhawks is this:

Arrowhawk :: That sucks. What the hell hockey nation? We can't let this continue, can we?]

But at least our map looks like this:

Friday, July 25, 2014

Hawks down Roosters 3-2 in thriller

LEWIS CENTER, OH - Wow, what a game. At least by old man C2 hockey standard. The Arrowhawks entered the night in first place with an 8-2 record and a league leading 18 goals against. The next best defensive team had given up 23 goals, five more than the Hawks for those of you who failed math. [editor note: I am typing this on my iPad with the digital keyboard while I sit outside at the fire pit. If there are spelling or grammar errors it is t my fault. The super moon has come and gone and there isn't enough light for me to be smart enough to spell check. And the damn buttons click every time I hit a key which drives me freak in batty.]

 And the second best team defensively was Roosters, the Hawks opponent tonight. [editor note 2: for the record, when I do editor notes, I am giving up on caps and proper English and punctuation. maybe its the post game beers kick in in or my brain reacting to the maddening clicks and burning feet from the fire, but I really do love Roosters. the restaurant. the team is good and we'll get to that, it the menu and food is great. by c2 hockey standards. my kind of joint.]

 3-2 come from behind victory from the Hawks. I was amazing. Had one decent play at the end of the game, thwarting #19 for the birds by annoying swatting the puck over the blue line to clear the zone with a minute to play but who's counting? Sure, Adam DePerro is a Duncan Keith clone and KVZ is like a terminator at a MIT robot competition, but in the end it's fat savages with unrelenting intestinal fortitude that save the day. I could wax poetic on the virtue of skilled dynamos like Bryan Wharton and Mark Monahan, but you haven't come here based on appreciation for  excellence. You want to hear about the common man like Rich Clingman, who was excellent in the third period when the game mattered, and Oleg 'I love spa days' Chetverikov, who had nothing to do with Justin Beiber's demise. Both players provided just enough thorn to prick the talented Roosters when it mattered. Oleg played both wing and defense, providing a needed jolt to the Hawks brilliant back end. [yes, I just typed that. I have muted this bitch so I don't hear the clicking. and for the record, I have only six mosquito bites, even though I have a bald head. so there's that.]hold on, I have to go steal more of my neighbors wood.

no that wasn't a euphemism.

back to hockey. brilliant game. even the refs commented about the brilliant skill on display. at one point the skinny one said, "that was a hell of a hockey play." but unfortunately it was Teddy Martin and his red helmet wearing ass that scored a dandy goal. I must not have been on the ice, because had I I would have done something magical. just saying.and no, I don't care about punctuation anymore. and no, Nick Lanctot didn't play tonight and yes, he is a hockey badass. though my bald head has a better shape.

 Speaking of hockey excellence, Kurt VonZychlin is a great player. like i used to be so many years ago. sure, he smells a little funny and his jokes arent ringers, but boy oh boy can he dangle. I'm glad I thought him so well.

the turning point in the game was when Roosters defenseman Mark Waterstreet took a game misconduct with 3 minutes left in the game. or maybe it was KVZ'S crazy amazingness as he split the Roosters D like a hot knife through butter and potted the game winner (both at same time). either way, great hockey game between two of the CAHL's best C2 teams.

one last thing. OK, two. #1: Rumor has it #19 for Roosters is a better dude off the ice than he is on. That's saying something because he is really good. #2: if you ever have to split the slats in your cedar fence to lift your neighbors wood for your fire, again no euphemism, expect splinters

.3 stars...
number three...
#19 for Roosters. Dude is good.#2: our goalie Shawn who was great and Adam DePerro who was a touch better than me. and number one star: KVZ who remembered everything Murph taught him, scoring two goals.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Christmas in June?

Should there be an occasion for an Arrowhawk to provide a Christmas card to our fantastic captain Mark Monahan, please consider this. It's a spectacular example of leadership and perseverance in the face of adversity. 

Oh, and the Arrowhawks are off to a brilliant summer session with a record of 6-2

There are some new skaters on the Arrowhawks club this summer. They are slightly more skilled then I am, though they aren't nearly as handsome. Leading the charge are Kurt VonZychlin, Adam DePerro, Ryan Saucek and a determined old guard Bryan Wharton and Kevin Griffith. Tom Morgan is the skipper this session, skating in whatever position is necessary. Ryan Turay, Rob Walls and Jason DeJong are plowing through opponents, providing sound two-way play in both zones as needed. 

The summer session is always a mixed bag from a roster perspective. Nick Lanctot and Ted Bulwinkle continue to work their blue line magic, thwarting attacks in front of netminder Jamie Santho, who remains awesome in net. 

The Eskimos won the league last session and believe it or not have gotten better with two new offensive dynamos. If the Hawks are going to win the hoodie this session, it'll take a full squad effort. 

Terry Walker and Rich Clingman have bolstered the lines with effective play in the offensive zone for the Hawks. Will it be enough? Time will tell. 

Happy Birthday, Mark.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Summer breakdown

Arrowhawk netminder Jamie Santho is off to a great start this session, sporting a 2-0 record and a .5 GAA.

LEWIS CENTER, OH - The summer Hawks roster is loaded with skill. If our opponents are reading this, chances are you haven't yet experienced the storm that is yet to come. As an amateur GM, I'm quite proud of our group this session. It's been a long time coming.

The highlight of our class for me is a highly-skilled defenseman named Adam DePerro. I've been scouting him since he was 10 years-old. No kidding. Good kid, this one. For old farts like me, guys like Adam are that breath of fresh air that help add passion to the night. Not because he's great on the ice, but he plays the game the right way. Anyone who's had the opportunity to take the ice with family would understand. It's a hockey thing. It's in our blood. And to our opponents who line up against him know this, he's a great kid. Loves the game, respects it and plays hard -- the way hockey should be played. Don't cheap-shot this one.

The Hawks have also added Ryan Soucek, a skilled sniper from Cleveland. Soucek has the skill I wish I had. He's steady in both zones and doesn't think he's in the NHL. He's a great addition to our club.

There's another addition we'll just call KVZ. He hasn't played yet, but when he does, he'll make a splash. I'm warning you now, he's almost as good as me. Not quite as slow and deliberate, but rumor has it he makes everyone on the ice better. Watch out, Eskimos.

Bobby Balls, Ryan Turay, Rich Clingman and Jason DeJong round out the club. All are excellent players and will help right the ship this session. Jamie Santho man's the pipes and will be a bitter pill for our opponent to swallow on Fridays. He's sound technically and sports a quick glove. He'll make hall of fame goaltender Jason Jensen proud.

Random photos of former Hawks

Blue. Good dude. Skilled player. Married with kids and hasn't figured out how to balance amazing hockey with being a Dad yet. But when he does, he'll have a home on the ice. Love this kid. 

John Kenyon. They don't get much better than this cat. Great family man. Loves motorcycles and gives everything he has out there. We'll be calling on him again, soon. 

Joe 'No Fear' Factor. Great two-way player. Excellent hockey knowledge and an Arrowhawk lifer. When he's done with his excellent coaching career, we'll call upon him again. 

Andrew Daniels. He plays goalie for Byrnes Pub, but we don't hold that against him. If he ever lines up against you at center, watch out. He's lights out. 

Barry Snow. Some say he's a cold player. Nope, not for us. He's a sound defenseman and knows what to do with the puck. Good guy, this one. 

I hate yellow

The Freakin' Eskimos and their ugly yellow sweaters celebrate after winning their sixth championship of the CAHL Friday night C2 league. 

LEWIS CENTER, OH - The Arrowhawks lost to the freakin' Eskimos in the Winter session semifinals. Their hideous yellow sweaters proved to be way too blinding to overcome, despite the Hawks clearly being the better looking and better educated team. For the record the Arrowhawks can afford to drive $40,000 cars and are married to hotter women who sometimes make more than their husbands. But that's by design. See, the Arrowhawks are busy building muscle in the gym, saving children from burning houses and writing scientific papers about stuff Eskimos wouldn't begin to understand.

Nothing against the Eskimos. They are a fine breed. They play good hockey and positionally drive their opponents nuts. They play clean hockey and we congratulate them on their sixth championship. Do we think they'll get a Friday night CAHL record number seven this summer?


But congrats on #6.

Did I mention it's Eskimo week? Freakin' Eskimos. GRrrrrrrrrr.....

Friday, April 4, 2014

Hawks best Bombers 6-1

COLUMBUS, OH - The Arrowhawks ended the 2014 Winter session with a hard-fought win against the Bombers 6-1 before 6 fans tonight. The win slotted the Hawks as the fifth seed in the playoffs, with a 7-5 record, 34 goals for and 28 goals against.

Jamie Santho manned the pipes and was brilliant when called upon. Goals were scored by five different  players. The Hawks were undermanned with only nine skaters, but dictated play firing 35 shots on the night.

Perennial point man and top center Bryan Wharton got lost someplace in Columbus and couldn't make the game. His loss was felt on the bench as the Hawks iced only three defenseman, Nick Lanctot, Tyler Moats, who was freakin brilliant, and Ted Bulwinkle who continued to demonstrate his fancy crossover skating, thwarting Bombers all night.

Kevin Griffith opened the scoring just 24 seconds into the game. From there the Hawks never looked back.

"We were concerned about Kevin's ability tonight," said LW Tom Morgan who played off wing on the top line. "He entered the game with a full gut of cheesecake and chimmichongas. He tried to vomit on the bench several times but to no avail. Although his digestive track let him down, he didn't let us down. He was solid and might have won a face off or two, despite treating each drop like he was allergic to the puck." he added.

New Arrowhawk Ryan Turay potted two important goals to give the Hawks the spark they needed down the stretch.

"We got effort from all lines tonight," said Oleg Chetverikov, fresh off a conditioning stint swimming 5 miles in a speedo the day before the game. "I needed to get my lungs back for the playoff push," said Chetverikov after the game.

Many of the Hawks regulars were scratched for the game. Captain Mark Monahan, Jason Torsok, Mac Lawless, Terry Walker and Rich Clingman were preoccupied with various parental duties and such.

Fortunately for the Hawks, Tyler Moats provided speed when needed. He was a force on the blueline and has steadily become a powerful player in the Friday division.

Next up? Playoffs. The Hawks will battle against Byrnes Pub in the playoff opener. They'll do their best next Friday to solve the Andrew Daniels goaltending dilemma in hopes of their league-leading seventh championship.

"It's a tall order," said Morgan. "But I think we're up for it."