Chaos rules in Hawks loss

LEWIS CENTER - Chaos is good. They skate like a team, play like a team and score like a team. At least they looked the part tonight, dismantling the Hawks 5-1 in sound fashion.

(Hiccups are gone!)

Sorry, I had to put that in there. The game sucked from my perspective. But I'm happy because I no longer have the damn periodic interruptions. Back to the report.

OK. So the Hawks started well, controlling play with the law firm line of Griffith, Griffth and Griffith. Bryce Griffith was back with the team, having recovered from his wrist injury, skating well with the puck all night. But it wasn't enough. The Chaos forwards and defense systematically passed and skated their way to open passing lanes, rebounds and scoring chances early, opening with the first 5 goals through a period and a half.

"The puck bounced their way tonight," said second line left wing and dynamic goal scorer, Tom Morgan. "It just wasn't our night," he added.

The Hawks played with good effort, but couldn't match the Chaos' stellar positional play and skating.

"We let a couple of easy rebounds go their way early on and Jason didn't stand a chance," said sub Rick Titus with his patented flashy red pants. "Our D played well, but they just beat us to the puck all night," he added.

Missing from the game were several of the Hawks key players. Mac Lawless, Nick Lanctot, Nate Mensel and Jason Torsok were all absent, attending a league mandated seminar on 'How to Win and Not Lose Your Nutsack' for the young players in the league.

"We knew that their absence would be a factor, but we figured we could overcome with solid depth play from our subs," said Chris Carpenter after the game. "Looks like we were wrong," he added.

Vice President of player development Bill 'Soft Spot' Miller was reached after the loss and added "If I were suited, I would have dropped the hammer tonight."

Mark Monahan had the Hawks lone goal late in the second period, short handed on a beautiful individual effort.

The Hawks took too many penalties and weren't determined enough to sway the tide in the game.

"They came at us from all sides," said defenseman Barry Snow. "If I only had a third leg, I would have kicked it wildly, causing a stir like a tornado," he proclaimed confidently.

Terry Walker, star defenseman and the smartest player on the team, was clearly missing from the lineup. Walker was contemplating going after his third PHd in astro-economics and couldn't be reached for comment.

In all, it was a deflating performance from the league's powerhouse.

"We'll get it together and battle back in the playoffs," said third line winger John Kenyon who played very well on the night. "If we see them again we'll drop the umbrella on them and neutralize their play in the neutral zone," he admitted.

The loss drops the Hawks to 4-5 on the session. Next up are the Maple Leafs, another skilled scoring team. "We'll bring our A game next time," said Morgan. "We aren't out of this yet."

Nope. Not by a long shot. Hang in there Hawk fans. This isn't over yet.

Hiccups

Before I break into the recap of tonight's epic game between the league jewel Arrowhawks and the athletically gifted new kid on the block, I must tell you devoted readers that I have the hiccups. No shit. I can't remember the last time I had the damn hiccups and I have them.

Bad.

But, not bad enough to wake my crap guard dog shitzu that sleeps in a laundry basket in the den. Nope. Not that bad. Regardless, the hiccups suck. Much like the outcome of tonight's game.

Pre-game speech

CHAOS - Pre game 10-pack

ARENA DISTRICT - The Arrowhawks will do their best tonight to defeat the division's best team, CHAOS, undefeated through 8 games. In order to bring home a win, the Hawks defense will need to tighten up in front of goaltender Jason Jensen and the offense will need to control play and finish with goals. Through 8 games, the Hawks are 4-4 with a 1 more goal scored (20) than goals against (21). CHAOS on the other hand boasts an impressive 19 point difference in the same category with 37 goals for and only 18 goals against. Call me crazy, but that sounds damn impressive.

Chaos pre-game 10-pack: Fans will likely see the following tonight...

1. Bryce Griffith refuses to leave the ice, chanting MC Hammer "You Can't Touch This!"
2. The Hawks will forget which side of the ice the face-off is on
3. Mark Monahan will speak politely with the refs
4. Andrew will crash violently into the boards and play will go on
5. Jason will make some great saves while the defense stands looking at each other
6. Joe Factor will play like he's 15 years younger
7. Tom will ring one off the post
8. Fans will scream "This hockey sucks!" from the stands, only to be lectured by Alana, Hawks #1 fan
9. Hot-red pants flying around the ice with reckless abandon
10. Gooch will yell at anyone he deems fit!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY! On November 5, 1955, Doctor Emmet Lathrop Brown was standing on a toilet hanging a wall clock when he slipped and beat his head on the bathroom sink. Unconscious, Doc had a vision. And that vision was that of a flux capacitor -- the device that makes time travel possible.

Pre-game 10-pack

Ten things I think about tonight's game against CS Bank:

1) Mac will cross-face some poor soul.
2) Gooch will fall on his ass.
3) Kevin will fart something dead onto the ice
4) Nate will skate around with the puck like a fancy figure skater
5) Our goalie won't get a slashing penalty
6) Torsok will complain about his hair 'not cooperating'
7) Terry will complain about Gooch falling on his ass, even though he's hundreds of miles away and not at the game.
8) At some point during the game a child will scream, "MOMMY, IT'S SO UGLY!"
9) Hannah will say something crude, causing Nate to blush.
10) Carp will get confused and bring both sweaters to the bench, "Just in case."

BONUS: Nick Lanctot will he overhead discussing his pure hatred for Mark Teixeira, the Minnesota transplant and new Yankee. Somewhere, Tom Morgan will smile.

Andrew scrapes his knee

COLUMBUS - Second/third line utility forward and backup goaltender Andrew Applehan reportedly hurt his knee during practice this afternoon.

"He was goofing around, trying to show off for the ladies and he fell like he usually does," said an unimpressed spectator. "We all know he used to be a figure skater, but that doesn't mean he should be trying double sow-cow's during practice. There's a reason he switched to hockey. What a knucklehead."

"It's a lower body injury," said Tom Morgan, not wanting to divulge the injury. "We'll monitor it and see if he can go on Friday," he added.