Friday, April 4, 2014

Hawks best Bombers 6-1

COLUMBUS, OH - The Arrowhawks ended the 2014 Winter session with a hard-fought win against the Bombers 6-1 before 6 fans tonight. The win slotted the Hawks as the fifth seed in the playoffs, with a 7-5 record, 34 goals for and 28 goals against.

Jamie Santho manned the pipes and was brilliant when called upon. Goals were scored by five different  players. The Hawks were undermanned with only nine skaters, but dictated play firing 35 shots on the night.

Perennial point man and top center Bryan Wharton got lost someplace in Columbus and couldn't make the game. His loss was felt on the bench as the Hawks iced only three defenseman, Nick Lanctot, Tyler Moats, who was freakin brilliant, and Ted Bulwinkle who continued to demonstrate his fancy crossover skating, thwarting Bombers all night.

Kevin Griffith opened the scoring just 24 seconds into the game. From there the Hawks never looked back.

"We were concerned about Kevin's ability tonight," said LW Tom Morgan who played off wing on the top line. "He entered the game with a full gut of cheesecake and chimmichongas. He tried to vomit on the bench several times but to no avail. Although his digestive track let him down, he didn't let us down. He was solid and might have won a face off or two, despite treating each drop like he was allergic to the puck." he added.

New Arrowhawk Ryan Turay potted two important goals to give the Hawks the spark they needed down the stretch.

"We got effort from all lines tonight," said Oleg Chetverikov, fresh off a conditioning stint swimming 5 miles in a speedo the day before the game. "I needed to get my lungs back for the playoff push," said Chetverikov after the game.

Many of the Hawks regulars were scratched for the game. Captain Mark Monahan, Jason Torsok, Mac Lawless, Terry Walker and Rich Clingman were preoccupied with various parental duties and such.

Fortunately for the Hawks, Tyler Moats provided speed when needed. He was a force on the blueline and has steadily become a powerful player in the Friday division.

Next up? Playoffs. The Hawks will battle against Byrnes Pub in the playoff opener. They'll do their best next Friday to solve the Andrew Daniels goaltending dilemma in hopes of their league-leading seventh championship.

"It's a tall order," said Morgan. "But I think we're up for it."

Two Amigos to miss session finale


Two of the three amigos will miss the session finale against the Bombers tonight. Captain Mark Monahan and top-line right wing Jason Torsok will be out of the lineup, leaving LW Tom Morgan as the lone amigo.

Team spokesman John Ryder confirmed a report that both will be attending a Def Leppard concert in Brazil, as part of an overarching CAHL branding campaign to promote central Ohio hockey to underprivileged Brazilians in advance of the World Cup.

"We think Brazil is an untapped market," said executive vice president of business development, Bill Miller. "Our focus groups have indicated the fine citizens of Brazil have an affinity for slow developing sports and we think we have a lot to offer in that regard."

Miller and CMO Barry Snow are four days into a ten day hospitality tour of the nation.

Fake SI covers (no they aren't real)


I was transferring files between deadlift sets this morning and re-discovered some old SI covers. 

LEGAL NOTICE: They aren't real. The SI folks have more prolific athletes to grace their covers then the Hawks. Nope, not the Eskimos, either. I spoke with their creative director and he said they try and avoid overrated, aging hockey players in ugly yellow sweaters. Ditto for the Maple Leafs. They said Johnny Red Pants faded pink pants would have to be altered in photoshop and that contradicts their editorial policy. So there's that. 
(no I didn't really speak with their CD. Again, don't sue us, because we have no money.)






Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Hawks alive and well

Five freakin' months. That's the last time I've posted anything to the blog. Well shit, I suck.

One of my favorite players on the club was busting my balls recently about posting something. Said he has family who reads the blog. Makes sense. Hockey gets in your blood.

I never played hockey growing up. Wanted to, but central Ohio at the time had limited opportunities and my parents had no clue how to sign me up. I recall playing stick hockey on a rubber gym floor, thinking I had skill. Orange plastic stick blades (not like the crap foam shit the kids play with now) and an orange puck. I was amazing -- took a high stick but kept playing, zigging, zagging and scoring. The girls were impressed. I remember receiving some of those white folded notes because I was so impressive.

My hockey excellence ends there, however.

17 years into the Arrowhawk's existence, it's guys like Tom Morgan, Mark Monahan, Mac Lawless, Jason Jensen, Mike Gauthier, Billy 'Soft Spot' Miller, Nick 'Minnesota' Lanctot, Rick Tyler, Steve Mikes, Jim Kuhn and the Griffith brothers who've carried the torch and demonstrated the way hockey should be played. We've had our fair share of penalties. There are some teams who've nicknamed us the 'Arrowhacks' but I can't figure out why. It must be the refs failure to blow the whistle on the other team, then shit gets outta hand. The official complaint is in the system...

So what's transpired in the last 5 months? Quite a bit. My family, though awesome, has monopolized my time, leading me to suck at posting. Many faces on the Hawks have changed, but the tradition of hacking, scoring and post-game excellence continues. We're mid-pack in the standings with one game remaining in the winter session. We've played hard against the league's best teams and sucked at times, as well.

Stay tuned and I'll catch you up.

As always, thanks for reading.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Hawks best Bloods 5-3

The Arrowhawks defeated the Anthony Rogersless Blood's tonight 5-3, despite only dressing three defenseman. Both teams skated well but the Hawks had the better legs early, taking a 4-0 lead and never looking back. New free agent signing Rob Walls potted two goals on the night and added an assist as the Hawks forwards gave the Bloods all they could handle. 

The Bloods fought hard though, scoring three late goals to keep the game close. When called upon, Arrowhawk netminder Jason 'Gatekeeper' Jensen slammed the door.

The win moved the Hawks into third place in the division. 

















Friday, October 4, 2013

Woodlands chopped, lose 5-3

Recommended song to listen to while reading the riveting captions below: SAIL by AWOL Nation

OK. This freakin' guy is really good. Not so good that he needs to be booted from the league because, well, he isn't really a finisher. At least not normally. He's like that aloof kid in advanced math who doodles on his desk and slobbers on his pencil. And then embarrasses everyone at the chalkboard with his brilliance.  My favorite thing about Nick is what I call his NHL face. He's ALWAYS got this inherent anger toward the puck. He hates it. I've never tested this theory outside the rink because I get nervous about what'll happen. Can you imagine dropping a hockey puck at the center of the table during a fancy dinner? He'd scowl and tip the table. It would cause a scene. Probably be a youtube viral sensation with him yelling at the puck and smacking it around the restaurant while everyone stared in awe. Because he is awesome. He scored two goals tonight. So there. That proves it.

The guy in the red sweater's name is Pete. He's some type of technical technician with Mercedes and does some fancy shit I don't know a thing about. He talks about Germany at the bar and drinks German beer. We haven't talked about Oktoberfest yet, but I'm hoping he has some crazy-ass stories about German women. NOTE TO WIFE: Not really, I'm just saying that so I get street cred with the CAHL crowd. Anyhow, Pete really LOVES skating with only 3 defenseman like he did tonight. He HATES Advocare and all the dietary crap out there and believes in good old fashion sweat to shed weight. He's not fat at all, though. Pictures add 10-pounds, remember? Nice game, Pete. Thanks for not dying. 

Random photo of Teddy Martin for some reason. Nothing official of course, just a random photo of his awesome hockey skill as Johnny Red Pants lurks in the background all jealous like. With his really old pants and perfect skating stance for an old guy.

This just in. Bryan Wharton doesn't hear whos. He's not an owl and can't see well in the dark. That's why he plays hockey. It's bright and he can see the little black biscuit and understands all the puck wants to do is go home, to the land of the twine. He notched two goals tonight in spectacular fashion, because after all, aren't all goals spectacular? Wait, that's soccer. You have to wait so damn long it's like, FINALLY SOMETHING TO CHEER ABOUT!!! Well Wharton got the three Arrowhawk fans in attendance cheering by kicking ass and taking names. For that, he gets first star of the game and this amazing Halibut recipe.

By the way, the Hawks defeated Woodlands tonight 5-3, despite only having nine skaters. In fact, both teams had nine skaters. I tried to count during warm-ups but those freakin leprechauns were skating in circles and I kept getting messed up. I cheated and counted the score sheet.

Special thanks to Michael Scrace for being a point bully out there tonight. The Hawks were down 13 skaters because they were more interested in the Jackets opener (not like there won't be 40 more games to attend, but who's counting?) and attending concerts and .... what the hell is Terry up to anyway? Yes, he's massively smart (see math reference above, only imagine physics class and chemistry and mixing drinks in no gravity environment), but he's also more MIA then that striped Waldo.

Scrace had three assists. He was really good. Almost as good as me, but much more selfish. I'm learning that hockey doesn't benefit fat people without skill.

There's always curling.

Other players of note: Ted Bulwinkle. Freakin' brilliant effort. Scored. Broke up play after play and made the Woodlands players hate him almost as much as Lanctot hates pucks. Thing of beauty, that Bulwinkle. Good man.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Hawks down Whalers 3-2










LEWIS CENTER, OH - The Arrowhawks were the next in line for the summer champion Whalers tonight. It was a tall order for the Hawks, having to best the league's best goalie during the summer session.

"His pads are 6 feet tall," said Andrew 'Firenuts' Applehans. "He's all big a tall and all," said the poet.

Missing from the game was the Whalers goalie's number one fan, the guy with the annoying horn and rampant home-team rage. But the Whalers were ready for the game. Their two-way play and potent offensive surge was turned aside by the Hawks 3 defenseman, Nick Lanctot, Nate Mensel and Raymond Parker. When they did get through, Jason Jensen did his thing, turning pucks to the corner.

The Hawks prevailed behind excellent passing and opportunistic play through all zones. Raymond Parker opened the scoring late in the first period on a brilliant individual play along the wall in the neutral zone, passing the puck to himself and potting one five-hole past the really tall Whalers goalie. 

The Hawks never trailed in the game, despite having to overcome four penalty kills. 

"We were thin on the blueline tonight after Mac was scratched at the last minute," said third line forward Chris 'Jesus was a' Carpenter. "But we maintained composure and kept their goal-scorers at bay."

The Hawks top line was effective neutralizing the Whalers, but it was the second line of Wharton, Applehans and the new guy Rob Walls who did the most damage. Applehans and Wharton both notched a two point performance, exhibiting stellar passing and chemistry on their way to goal and assists each. 

"They were on fire tonight," said LW Tom Morgan after the game. "It's a good thing to have two portly performers carrying their weight out there. I'm glad Wharton is burning other teams for once, since we're used to him burying us night in, night out. I'm glad he's a Hawk," he added. 

"Our first two games were against tough opponents," said captain Mark Monahan. "I'm looking forward to hitting our stride as we take on the Leafs and the Bankers. Jensen is freakin' awesome in the crease and our blueline is coming together without Gooch back there." 

The Arrowhawks move to 2-0, one point behind the league leading Roosters club, AKA Maple Leafs, who lost in an overtime shootout to the CS Bankers, AKA Bloods. 

"Emily is a great goalie and we're looking forward to that challenge," said Monahan. 

Terry Walker, Ted Bulwinkle and Mac Lawless were absent for tonight's game, as each attended a fall conference on mixing beverages in extreme conditions. 

"We had to do some zip-line training with a keg tied to our backs," said Walker via satellite phone. "We were dropped in a jungle north of Athens with nothing but a survival knife, three fifths of booze and bug spray. We notched shot glasses out of wood sticks and concocted drinks out of local berries and tree sap. It was a good exercise in leadership training and will serve us well down the stretch." 

Whatever that means.