[editor's note: I am quite good at dangling with the puck, passing with precision and playing defense when everyone else on my line decides to leave the ice at the same time.]
EASTON SHOPPING MALL OWNED BY LES WEXNER, WHO'S MORE SKILLED AT RULING THE RETAIL WORLD THAN OUR TEAM IS AT BUYING A TEAM BUS -- The amazing United States of America hockey team they call the Arrowhawks soundly defeated the Whalers tonight, 7-4. Despite the final score, the game had drama -- like a passionate and good bottle of wine intoxicated wife who loves to cook you meals at odd hours just because she feels inclined to please, but loses her focus along the way leaving you with a colorful blend of confusion on a plate.
If that doesn't make sense, it's because I may have gotten drilled into the half boards (what the hell is a half board anyway? All the boards are the same height. I keep looking for some distinct visual reference that indicates "oh shit, I'm in the half board area" but I don't see one. And don't come at me with the yellow 'look up' zone stuff. There are already way too many colors on the ice. Ice is white, the opponents jersey is a different color than mine, there's a blue crease, blue lines, red lines, yellow trim... it's all way too much to process at the speed I skate. Which is really, really fast.)
Where was I?
Our defense was amazingly offensive tonight. I think I remember jumping out to a 4-0 lead, only to have the Whalers close the gap in dramatic fashion 4-2. I believe our D scored the first four goals. I may have been on the ice for the 2 goals against in the same shift, but that's no indication of my lack of hockey skill. As I stated earlier, I am quite good at dangling with the puck, passing with precision and playing defense when everyone else on my line decides to leave the ice at the same time.
The Whalers have some talented skaters, for sure (NHL players love those two words. Is it a cold weather thing? Do Icelanders use that phrase, "For sure...." I doubt it.)
Anyway, my favorite players on the night were: (good use of colon)
• Ted Bulwinkle for finally shooting low enough on the ice to not hit any living thing above the size of a fat pig (or Rob) No Rob, I'm not comparing you to a fat pig.
• Mac Lawless. For showing up.
• Our goalie, who was really, really good but only half as good as Jamie Santho because he's our usual goalie and I don't want him to lose confidence in his awesomeness.
• Nick Lanctot for rallying our team when we gave up some goals when I wasn't on the ice -- leading to our potting two more goals and boosting the lead to 6-3 good guys. [I think]
• Tom Morgan for putting together this random collection of awesome skill and sticking up for his net minder, despite the five-minute major penalty and having to play center, not his natural position. For the record, Tom is the leading point-man in Arrowhawk history, for those keeping track. That is not lost on me, even in my hazy state.
Speaking of states... Or countries, how about the UK, retaining Scotland? I mean, come on!
• A defenseman named Ziska who's one of three Ziska's who filled in for our young stud Jay Jenkins who was absent due to being in college and having to attend a mandatory college function that may or may not have had beer pong involved. [my v button is malfunctioning. shit!]
• The goal scorers who I'm too lazy to look up, since they weren't me, which is unusual because I'm used to dictating the skill on the ice.
The win keeps the Hawks in a three-way tie for first place, with a perfect 3-0 record. Tom gets all the credit for his awesome lineups.
Ok, I'm done.
Damn 'V' button. Shit.
[random complaint: I'm not happy that the new leader in google search for Arrowhawks is this:
Arrowhawk :: d20srd.org. That sucks. What the hell hockey nation? We can't let this continue, can we?]
But at least our map looks like this: