Miller out, Ryder in as GM

LEWIS CENTER, OH - The Arrowhawks shocked fans tonight with a surprise front office move, firing GM Bill 'Softspot' Miller and hiring one-time Hawk John Ryder as the new general manager and president of hockey operations. Rumblings of a potential move began early last week when Miller was found sleeping in his truck listening to a best of Anne Murray CD with a box of tissues.

"I have no comment at this time," said Miller via text message. "I rest on my excellence of developing a championship roster and I still have the best mustache this organization has ever seen." added Miller.

Ryder, a brilliant hockey mind and Colorado native offered a brief statement through Arrowhawk top PR official Alana Jensen.

"We've got a simple goal, win it all. I'll do my best to continue what Miller has built, a top-notch organization capable of winning night in, night out. I carry a big axe and I'll swing it if I have to," said Ryder. "I'm not afraid to fly to Columbus, rent a car and drive around looking for a rink that's close to a bar. One thing is certain... I'm not sure what it is yet, but it'll present itself eventually and when it does, I won't be sleeping at the wheel. Long live Hello Kitty."

Miller leaves the Hawks with a sterling 43-14 record and offered a final parting quote,"I'm going to shovel some snow."

Bring on the snow (not you, Barry).

Offseason moves expected

As the Arrowhawks prepare for tomorrow's playoff game against Tommy Parker III and the Bombers, team GM Billy 'Softspot' Miller has been busy trying to bolster the fall lineup.

"Many coals are in the fire," said Miller from his Tuvalu summer home. “We’re always looking for ways to improve the club. We’ve got some calls out there but you never know what mutual interest will be present. Fans should know, we intend on being champions. And that’s how we approach the off-season.”

GRIFFITH SIGNED
The Arrowhawks officially announced they’ve signed leading point-man Kevin Big Balls Griffith to the fall session. “Hey, my balls aren’t big,” quipped the skilled forward. "Where'd that come from? I'm going to file a complaint and do some damage in the locker room next time I see the guys."

Additional roster moves are likely, big balls or not.

Oh Canada!

Great news, fans. We actually got a decent bite from the great white north this week. Could it be former Arrowhawk Dave 'Hammerin' Cameron is considering moving back to Ohio to once again don the black and red? Could it be he "Has a better offer?" that'll bring him to the Buckeye state?

Calls to owner Bill Miller went unanswered. His machine simply said, "Leave me alone, I'm eating chocolate."

Junior B's struggling in D west

SOMEPLACE IN CENTRAL OHIO - Long time Arrowhawk fans know all about the early struggles of the team. Back in the day, before the Hawks impressive 4 championships, the Arrowhawks were the whipping boy for the rest of the league (If the Eskimos are reading this, "NO we are not your whipping boys now"). Losing 9 games a session seemed to be the norm.

"At least we looked good," said Chris 'I sometimes wear my sweater the correct way" Carpenter. A nine year veteran, Carp has been with the team through thick and thin. "I remember the early ski-club transplants. Henri Foucher was always my favorite. That man can really hold his own. Not sure if he can ski, though."

The Hawks added and subtracted many players over the years. Dave Cameron, Bruce Markey, Neal 'Rocket' Richard, Steve Gross, Mark Jones, Jim 'Clifford' Kuhn, Flute, Art 'Jesus' Fisher, Steve Mikes. Many one-time favorites have gone on to play Sunday night D league, as the Junior B Arrowhawks. They've done well most sessions, finishing in the middle of the pack and advancing to the playoffs. But not this session.

"I was hoping to give you some good news to report from the Junior B team but well, we really suck right now," said Dave Mustafaga "We are 1-7 and it ain’t pretty. We put out a call to the Hanson brothers but have not had much luck getting a return call. Last week one of our forwards had a Charlie Sheen moment and just left the ice, stormed out of the rink dragging his hockey bag and slammed his jock on the sidewalk in front of the Chiller, and kept yelling he wanted $3 per session, doubling his salary. Could be evidence of potential brain damage you can only take your head to the pipes so many times. No one will pick up the jock so the Dublin Chiller has roped off the area."

Arrowhawk management had the following response: "We are aware of the plight of the Junior B club and are working with local officials on improving morale. Billy Miller is in his office right now talking to someone with a really loud voice and slamming his fist on the desk repeatedly. We even heard the words 'Send a bus of Canadians and we'll sort em' out'. We have no official comment at this time, besides 'we support our D league brothers and believe in their abilities.'"

The B's have only scored 7 goals in 8 games and are 1 point from the Sunday D west basement.

"Red rover, red rover, send Oleg right over," said a fan from the stands.

Hawks battle champions tonight

LEWIS CENTER, OH - The Arrowhawks will get a good feel for how they'll match up with the league's best when they face-off against the defending champion Maple Leafs tonight. The Arrowhawks split with the Leafs in both games last session, needing overtime to decide each game. The Leafs are off to a fast start and always bring a potent scoring attack to the ice. They led the league last session with over 40 goals scored. Tonight's game should be a good test for both teams.

Many regulars won't make the trip however, for various reasons. Missing from the lineup will be:

• Jason Torsok, RW - undisclosed lower body injury obtained from fishing accident. something about "horrible noodling accident gone wrong"

• Bryan Griffith, LW - rumors of his being kidnapped by a gang of Twilight fans have been dispelled. Griffith is alive and well, though he's nursing a sore ankle. He's practiced with the team and is expected back for game 3. The Hawks are counting on Griffith's dangling skills this session.

• Mike Gauthier, D - Gooch is fasting and lacks the energy to skate. "I've never fasted before and figured I'd give it a go and scratch it off my bucket list," said Gauthier through his interpreter.

The Arrowhawks may call up three players from their minor league affiliate, the East Africa Sand Fleas. Oleg Chetverikov, Emily Moersdorf and Barry Snow may see action tonight for the Hawks.

Calls to Fleas team president Bill Miller were returned with the following voicemail.

"I will not divulge any information about anything other than to say that I'm hungry and want some chocolate and a 12-pack. I do recall seeing Oleg running to catch the bus with his gear over one shoulder and a live chicken in his other hand."

Good luck, Hawks.

Hawks battle through summer

Minnesota Nick Lanctot battles an opponent along the boards.


The Arrowhawks have a storied history. Through the years players like Kevin DesRoches, Mark Jones, Jim Kuhn, Andy Kurtz and Dan Barnhart have skated their ways to various results. Losing, winning and missing shots here and there.

The summer club is no different. New faces like Andrew, Hannah, Nick (sweet skating) and 'Freakin' Basso have kept the club alive. "We're thankful for the new faces," says longtime favorite Tom Morgan. "Without their sweat out there, we wouldn't have a summer club."

The Hawks are in the middle of the pack with a few games to go. They've gone up against the league's best skaters, never giving up. Discover, Eskimos, CS Bank. It doesn't matter. Jason Jensen has been tested like he's not been in the past. He's stopped more shots than he's faced, upsetting the opposing team along the way. "I'm just doing my part," says Jensen. "This a good bunch but it's a little different than usual," he admits.

Mark Monahan, Kevin Griffith, Nate Mensel, Joe Factor, Mac Lawless (we hate that guy) and Bryan Griffith will soon be returning to the lineup, come fall. "Although we're excited for their return, we have plenty of wins left this session," says Chris Carpenter.

"Yes, we'll represent in the playoffs," adds John 'Grand' Kenyon.

Yes indeed. Good luck summer Hawks down the stretch.

Arrowhawks poised for cup run

Through 9 games the Hawks sit tied for first place with More Cowbell, with a game in-hand. It's true the Hawks scoring is down this session, but they've more than made up for it in other areas. How've they done it?

• The 2-time CAHL C2 champions are second in the league in goals allowed with 21, 1 behind the Bombers.
• The Hawks are +16 in goal differential
• The top 2 lines are the best looking lines in the CAHL, meaning chicks dig them which increased their testosterone naturally, reducing the need for PEDs. Yes, they are all married or soon to be, but still, chicks digging you never gets old.
• John Kenyon has found his role as a grinder and thug, without being too mean to cause the refs to hate him and fans to send hate mail. It's a perfect balance, really.
• Nick has stopped hugging guys on the ice and turned to a more aggressive style of play.
• Bill Miller has not yet skated one time for the Hawks, though he still possesses the quickest tongue in the organization.
• Jason Torsok has been cleaning up the trash in front regularly. He's a vital cog in the middle of the Hawks successful 2nd line combination of Monahan and Morgan, the leagues dynamice duo. (no word who is Batman and who is Robin)
• Mac Lawless' open-ice hits have become legendary. Opposing teams are staying away from the middle of the ice due to the physical play of the tall Buffalo Mexican native.
• Bryan Griffith's healthy return to the lineup has added stability to the top-line of Griffith, Griffith and Griffith. The Law Firm line can by heard debating current events while controlling the puck in the offensive zone.