Goal Train Fall on Big Ice

ARENA DISTRICT, OHIO - That would be Columbus technically, but we're not here for accuracy are we? So here was tonight's Epic Win in a nutshell:

• The Arrowhawks and Maple Leafs were provided the opportunity to skate on the big ice at Nationwide Arena, home of the no-longer active due to massive greed, Blue Jackets. Yes, JD is in the house and he's tall, has huge hands and is the best signing since Andrew Castle (the best centerman for Rick Nash, hands down), but the fact there isn't hockey at all makes me want to drive to Gary Bettman's house and egg it. And while I'm at it, I'd likely launch a paper-sack missile like in the old 80's movie Can't Buy Me Love. Haven't seen it? Hit Youtube. Patrick Dempsey must have only weighed 100 pounds, tops. And that white suede jacket was hideous, even before the wine stain. Not that I'm an expert in white suede jackets. I don't own any and I never will. Mac says they are gay and not manly. There's nothing wrong with gay of course, except that when Mac says something you take it as gospel. Like tonight when he got tossed in the third period, the opposing player argued instead of just turning a frown and agreeing. That's hot water territory. Technically, there could be some things wrong with gay. Especially in political season.

• The Arrowhawks weren't the Hawks at all tonight. They were a team called Body Art, at least on the scoreboard. Apparently the timekeeper didn't know how to work the fancy new multi-million dollar scoreboard at Nationwide Arena, so the Hawks and Maple Leafs were Body Art and Goal Train. Fortunately the Hawks were able to be Body Art because Goal Train sounds a bit, well, San Fran suspicious. Not there's anything wrong with that. Here we go again.

• Body Art won the game 3-1. I should have led with that. It's the most important part of the story and my journalism prof from college wouldn't appreciate the meandering. The pace was fast and both goalies stood tall, turning away scoring chances. But the Goal Train goalie couldn't turn away Andrew 'Firenuts' Applehans. I'm sure he'll bristle when he reads this since he likely doesn't care for that nickname, but exposure is exposure and in a PR world this post could net him a) a new job b) a new girlfriend, c) a bank loan for a new car (because he's got a cool nickname), or d) a modeling contract with Abercrombie as the first plus-sized model in corporate history. He's not fat, just big boned. Hell, he moves well on the ice and for the life of me I can't figure out how he does it. He scored two goals on the night and didn't say a word about any insider Blue Jackets information. Not a peep. In fact, he had nothing but good things to say about the players, the organization and the new garage being built. He wouldn't even let us attempt to borrow a folding chair from the locker room. Troll.

• Minnesota native Nick Lanctot opened the scoring for the Hawks on a brilliant breakaway after just leaving the penalty box. He was called for standing too tall in the corner and someone fell down. His number, 33, is intimidating as that was Marty McSorley's number with the Kings. Lanctot is balder than a three-day old baby's nutsack, and is quite intense on the ice. Both characteristics may have played a part in his 2-minute timeout tonight.




• The Law Firm line (yes, we had the nickname before Green-Ellis) of Griffith, Griffith and Griffith were effective on the top line in both zones, thwarting chances by usual Hawk-killer Mark Waterstreet and Teddy Martin.

• Gooch and G. Ted were stellar defensively. Gooch didn't give up a single three on one on the night.

• Jensen was amazing as usual. As it turns out, this guy is really good. We're thankful his parents spent all the money they did to train him for these 15-minutes of fame. Being the CAHL Friday night's league-leader in GAA isn't an easy feat. Jay does it with class (and a pretty wife) and never complains about how bad our defense is in front. I'd bet he's one of those secret micro-donors who slaves 12-hours a day just to donate 50% because "it feels right." Good dude, that Jensen.

• Oleg made some great passes. Blue didn't make the game since he was practicing being Forrest Gump. The Ginger Wizard, Bryan Wharton, also missed the game. He refused to leave the house until he achieved a three-star rating on every Angry Birds level. Tenacious, that cat.

If you'd like to see photos taken by Jason Torsok and my daughter Emma (13), click here. [editor note: the click here link isn't working. I've fired my entire development staff and now it's only me. We'll have to upload these old school style. I recommend playing one of the songs from the list below when viewing, if it'll work. If it doesn't, we'll just blame it on the government.]

Peace!