Friday, October 4, 2013

Woodlands chopped, lose 5-3

Recommended song to listen to while reading the riveting captions below: SAIL by AWOL Nation

OK. This freakin' guy is really good. Not so good that he needs to be booted from the league because, well, he isn't really a finisher. At least not normally. He's like that aloof kid in advanced math who doodles on his desk and slobbers on his pencil. And then embarrasses everyone at the chalkboard with his brilliance.  My favorite thing about Nick is what I call his NHL face. He's ALWAYS got this inherent anger toward the puck. He hates it. I've never tested this theory outside the rink because I get nervous about what'll happen. Can you imagine dropping a hockey puck at the center of the table during a fancy dinner? He'd scowl and tip the table. It would cause a scene. Probably be a youtube viral sensation with him yelling at the puck and smacking it around the restaurant while everyone stared in awe. Because he is awesome. He scored two goals tonight. So there. That proves it.

The guy in the red sweater's name is Pete. He's some type of technical technician with Mercedes and does some fancy shit I don't know a thing about. He talks about Germany at the bar and drinks German beer. We haven't talked about Oktoberfest yet, but I'm hoping he has some crazy-ass stories about German women. NOTE TO WIFE: Not really, I'm just saying that so I get street cred with the CAHL crowd. Anyhow, Pete really LOVES skating with only 3 defenseman like he did tonight. He HATES Advocare and all the dietary crap out there and believes in good old fashion sweat to shed weight. He's not fat at all, though. Pictures add 10-pounds, remember? Nice game, Pete. Thanks for not dying. 

Random photo of Teddy Martin for some reason. Nothing official of course, just a random photo of his awesome hockey skill as Johnny Red Pants lurks in the background all jealous like. With his really old pants and perfect skating stance for an old guy.

This just in. Bryan Wharton doesn't hear whos. He's not an owl and can't see well in the dark. That's why he plays hockey. It's bright and he can see the little black biscuit and understands all the puck wants to do is go home, to the land of the twine. He notched two goals tonight in spectacular fashion, because after all, aren't all goals spectacular? Wait, that's soccer. You have to wait so damn long it's like, FINALLY SOMETHING TO CHEER ABOUT!!! Well Wharton got the three Arrowhawk fans in attendance cheering by kicking ass and taking names. For that, he gets first star of the game and this amazing Halibut recipe.

By the way, the Hawks defeated Woodlands tonight 5-3, despite only having nine skaters. In fact, both teams had nine skaters. I tried to count during warm-ups but those freakin leprechauns were skating in circles and I kept getting messed up. I cheated and counted the score sheet.

Special thanks to Michael Scrace for being a point bully out there tonight. The Hawks were down 13 skaters because they were more interested in the Jackets opener (not like there won't be 40 more games to attend, but who's counting?) and attending concerts and .... what the hell is Terry up to anyway? Yes, he's massively smart (see math reference above, only imagine physics class and chemistry and mixing drinks in no gravity environment), but he's also more MIA then that striped Waldo.

Scrace had three assists. He was really good. Almost as good as me, but much more selfish. I'm learning that hockey doesn't benefit fat people without skill.

There's always curling.

Other players of note: Ted Bulwinkle. Freakin' brilliant effort. Scored. Broke up play after play and made the Woodlands players hate him almost as much as Lanctot hates pucks. Thing of beauty, that Bulwinkle. Good man.

1 comment:

  1. Always enjoy your web site! Funny stuff. Yeah, #33 is pretty freakin good! And if you think "Johnny Red Pants" is old, what do you think of a guy who's 57? LMAO